Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Lets Try This Again

Since I posted the line-up I was hoping for the Tribe to field on Opening Day in Chicago, Omar Visquel has signed elsewhere and Kelly Shoppach has been traded. Here is the Redux:

1. CF- Grady Sizemore
2. 1B- Nick Johnson
2. SS- Asdrubal Cabrera
4. RF- Shin-Soo Cho
5. SS- Johnny Peralta
6. DH- Travis Hafner
7. LF- Matt LaPorta
8. C- Lou Marson
9. 2B- Luis Valbuena

Bench
C- Wyatt Toregas
1B/3B- Andy Marte
INF- Chris Gimenez
OF- Trevor Crowe


Rotation
RHP- Jake Westbrook
RHP- Fausto Carmona
LHP- David Huff
LHP- Aaron Laffey
RHP- Carlos Carassco

Bullpen
RHP- Justin Masterson
RHP- Chris Perez
LHP- Rafael Perez
LHP- Tony Sipp
RHP- Joe Smith
RHP- Jose Veras
RHP- Kerry Wood


It comes as a bit of surprise that the Indians traded Shoppach. Not that they planned on keeping him for the 2010 season; the fact that they found a taker for the career .241 catcher is puzzling. Shoppach was likely nontendered making him a free agent. The Rays now must take on his arbitration case which should pay him close to his 2009 salary of 1.95 million. Given the economic issues concerning the Indians organisation, it made no sense to bring him back for atleast 2 million dollars. Lou Marson (who is most likely to assume the starting job), Wyatt Toregas, and Chris Gimenez can all play catcher and their combined salaries are cheaper than two million. No. 1 prospect Carlos Santana, aquired in the trade that sent Casey Blake to LA, should expect to be seen in Cleveland at some point in the 2010 season and be starting in 2011.

It is safe to assume at this point that the Tribe is set with their line-up as is at this point in the offseason. Unfortunately for supporters of the Nick Johnson/Chief Wahoo alliance, it is likely this will not happen. Andy Marte could start the season at first before Michael Brantley is ready for an everyday roll in left, beginning the transition of Matt LaPorta to first. If any free agents are brought into Cleveland it is more likely to be a Kevin Millar type of player. Given Millar's "Cowboy Up" attititude in Boston and Florida, this could be a perfect locker room guy for a young team.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Wait til 2011? Maybe Not Cleveland

The 2010 MLB season came to an end earlier this month with the New York Yankees riding off with the Commissioner’s Trophy into the $200,000,000 sunset. This is not me being critical of the Yankees for their spending ways, the league allows them to do this. So who am I to hate them for it? If anything it is envy. Envy because the Yankees, playing in the world’s largest market receive more advertising dollars and other forms of revenue reinvest that cash into putting the best possible product on the field. The following season made me more envious of the Yankees than ever.
As a Cleveland Indians fan I approached the 2009 season with the highest hopes since Manny Ramirez’s final season in Cleveland. The Tribe were coming off a season plagued by injuries but were able to finish strong and end up with an 81-81 record. The acquisitions of Kerry Wood, Mark DeRosa, and Joe Smith addressed the key needs from the year before and showed that the front office was committed to a "win now" attitude and bringing a title to championship starved Northeast Ohio. Then... More of the same. Inconsistent starting pitching combined with a bullpen that never left anyone feeling confident, as well as injuries to Travis Hafner, Grady Sizemore, and Asdrubal Cabrera resulted in the club’s worst record in almost twenty years.
Yes there was not much to be proud of on the corner of Carnegie and Ontario in 2009. It would be easy for fans to look at the upcoming season with very little hope for success, not only this year, but for years to come. That is where I separate myself from the majority of Cleveland fans. Living in South Florida, I know it is possible for a team to slash payroll and still field a competitive team. It starts from the top and works its way down to the field level. I still have faith that Mark Shapiro and Chris Antonetti are capable of judging the talent required to make the Indians competitors in a division where everyone is plagued by the down economy.
So what can the Indians do between now and Opening Day to provide little if any hope to all the pessimistic fans along Lake Erie? Here are some of my suggestions that will leave the payroll down and keep the talent up.
1. Sign Asdrubal Cabrera and Shin-Soo Choo to multi-year contracts.
After dealing Victor Martinez and Cliff Lee, GM Mark Shapiro told fans to expect to be contenders again around the 2011 season. What better way to show commitment to success beyond 2011 than to lock up the Tribe’s two break out stars. Choo showed signs that he can be a star in this league by staying in the top ten in OBP through most of the season, hitting 20 Home Runs, stealing 21 bases, and playing outstanding defense in Right Field. Cabrera lead the team in batting with a .308 batting average and solidified the defense up the middle of the infield the way Jhonny Peralta never could. These guys hit 2,3 or 3,4 in the batting order all season (while healthy). With Grady Sizemore leading off that makes for a tough first inning for any starting pitcher in this league. They both earned to be rewarded for their work in a season that had few bright spots. Owner Larry Dolan should do what’s right for these players and the fans and keep them in Cleveland as long as possible.
2. The starting rotation should look like:
Um.... wow this is not as easy as I thought. How do you field a starting rotation when your options are about seven guys who have a tough time getting through the fourth inning and Jake Westbrook coming off of Tommy John surgery? I don’t buy too much into the importance of who is the Opening Day starter when the season spans 162 games. Whatever spot he is given in the rotation, Westbrook has to be the ace of the staff in order to contend. It’s a lot to ask a guy who has played in 8 games over 2 seasons, but if the sinker is still down in the zone Jake can give the club a chance to win at least 15 of his starts. Fausto Carmona needs to work with new pitching coach Tim Belcher and find a way to not put the weight of the organization on his shoulders every time he gets behind in a count. During Carmona’s breakout season in 2007, he dominated hitters with his sinker. As batters saw him more, they adjusted to it and jumped all over his fastball. Now it is time for Fausto to make the next adjustment and utilize the talent he has, to get back to his ‘07 form. A 1-2 combo of Westbrook and Carmona will give the team plenty of chances to win with their ability to keep the ball on the ground and in the park.
Spots 3-5 is where it gets tricky. David Huff lead the team with 11 wins last season, that could give him a leg up on his competition. I wouldn’t mind new manager Manny Acta to approach this spring without considering last years results and base his rotation on what he sees in Goodyear, AZ this March. Aaron Laffey showed signs that he can start successfully in this league but had a tough time putting together consecutive quality starts. Jeremy Sowers resembles Bob Lemon until about the 3rd inning when he faces batters for the second time. Carlos Carrasco was acquired in the deal that sent Cliff Lee to Philly, so fans will want immediate return on the trade that parted them with their best pitcher and perhaps he breaks through this season as a dark-horse ace.
Whoever Acta decides to send to the mound every fifth day I only have one request: When a pitcher is named a starter or reliever, keep them there! I watched countless amounts of times when Eric Wedge would flip/flop guys from starters to relievers and it never; not once, did it ever work. I know these guys are professionals but it has to effect them mentally. Justin Masterson is who comes to mind. This young man belongs in the bullpen. He has great "stuff", if you will and that stuff is best suited for a tight situation late in the game. Along with Chris Perez, Joe Smith, and Kerry Wood the Indians have the makings of a good young bullpen. Perez is who I expect great things from. The fact that Shapiro landed him and Jess Todd from St. Louis for Mark DeRosa could wind up being a huge steal if DeRosa signs elsewhere and the two relievers meet their potential.
3. Sign Nick Johnson.
The final member of the Expos squad that relocated to D.C. is now on the open market. The Indians have a hole at first base (the only in house candidate is Andy Marte). Johnson finished up last season with the Marlins after being acquired at the deadline. As he has throughout his entire career, he battled injuries down the stretch. Because of his prone to injury, I do not see any club giving the 31 year old a long-term contract, making him affordable to an Indians team in reload mode. Johnson answers a couple of questions the Indians have. You can put the guy just about anywhere in the batting order. If Manny Acta likes the idea of Sizemore leading of with Cabrerea and Choo 3-4, respectively, Johnson can be inserted to the 2 spot. This could work out great with his ability to put the ball in play along with Grady’s speed on the base paths. Johnson would also prove beneficial in the middle of the order which is where the Tribe received very little help towards the second half of last season. Despite the Tribe’s struggles last season they still managed to finish 6th in the AL in On Base Percentage (.339) trailing only the 4 teams that made the playoffs and Tampa Bay. Adding the career .402 OBP Johnson would be a terrific addition to a young Indians batting order.
The problem I have found with most Indian’s fans is they have this belief that they are the only team that is cutting pay roll. They are quick to call for the owner to sell the team and even quicker to call for GM Mark Shapiro to be fired. Tribe fans need to realize that the 1990's are long gone and they must adapt to the new way to contend, and sad to say a 90 million dollar pay roll is not going to be the approach for a while. The entire AL Central is strapped for cash, not just the Sons of Cuyahoga. Last season the White Sox let Joe Crede go before the season, traded Jim Thome at the deadline, and recently decided to part ways with Jermaine Dye. The Tigers have been rumored to be shopping Curtis Granderson, Edwin Jackson, Brandon Inge, and for the right offer would entertain the idea of parting with Miguel Cabrera. The Royals don’t register as a threat after trading Mark Teahen for whatever reason during the World Series. My point is that in this division, salary isn’t as important as scouting and managerial decision making. These five teams will battle it out all season for the next few years with the winner only being decided by a few games. The Twins have the crown going into next season, but with the right moves made over the winter, the Indians can make a run for the throne sooner than many believe.
My ideal Opening Day line-up
1. CF Grady Sizemore
2. SS Asdrubal Cabrera
3. RF Shin-Soo Choo
4. DH Travis Hafner
5. 1B Nick Johnson
6. 3B Jhonny Peralta
7. LF Matt LaPorta
8. C Kelly Shopach
9 2B Luis Valbuena
Bench
C Lou Marson
1B/3B Andy Marte
2B/SS Omar Visquel
OF Trever Crowe
Rotation
RHP Jake Westbrook
RHP Fausto Carmona
LHP David Huff
LHP Aaron Laffey
RHP Carlos Carasco
Bullpen
RHP Jensen Lewis
RHP Justin Masterson
LHP Rafael Perez
LHP Tony Sipp
RHP Joe Smith
RHP Jose Veras
RHP Kerry Wood

Sunday, November 15, 2009

A Plea to Hollywood: Spec Scripts

Alright, Family Feud time. Give me the top 3 reasons why the film industry is in shambles right now, because we all know it is. What would you come up with? One: rising costs. Sure, tickets and concessions are way too high; especially considering the product we’re being given. It’s becoming cheaper to go to a live musical production or a play than it is to venture to the multiplex, and it’s more fun. Two: celebrity. Movies are becoming more and more about who’s in the movie, and not so much “are they good actors?”, but more like “what’s going on in their personal life?” Celebrities with baggage are bringing down movies, and the rise of these miserable publications like “US Weekly” has become more influential in deciding who gets hired for a movie. Because, let’s face it, it’s difficult to delineate between the person you’re seeing on screen and the person you read about at the grocery store. Pretty soon their off-screen antics transfer into your mind’s idea of that actor and it carries over into the theater. I mean, how many big-budget or Oscar-bait films are being thrown at Lindsey Lohan? I bet none, because she drags that film down to her subterranean quarters situated somewhere in the underbelly of Hell. Best idea for these kinds of people: put them back in first grade and make them go through school Billy Madison-style. If they finish, they can resume making films. I’d give 2-to-1 she doesn’t get past 4th grade. Who am I kidding, I’d probably get 3-to-5 she can’t finish a Dr. Seuss book.

But, we all know what’s really wrong with the film industry: lack of creativity. Rehashed ideas, formulaic productions, remakes, and sequels galore. And why? Because Hollywood has gotten lazy and boring. Don’t believe me? Let’s look at the Academy Award winners for Best Picture in the last 20 years: Driving Miss Daisy (1989), Dances With Wolves (1990), Silence of the Lambs (1991), Unforgiven (1992), Schindler’s List (1993), Forrest Gump (1994), Braveheart (1995), The English Patient (1996), Titanic (1997), Shakespeare In Love (1998), American Beauty (1999), Gladiator (2000), A Beautiful Mind (2001), Chicago (2002), Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (2003), Million Dollar Baby (2004), Crash (2005), The Departed (2006), No Country for Old Men (2007), Slumdog Millionaire (2008).

Not exactly an astounding list, is it? Glance over that list and tell me how many bona fide classics are in that mix. I can think of maybe three (Silence of the Lambs, Schindler’s List, American Beauty), excluding Lord of the Rings because that will be remembered as a whole and not by the pieces, and Titanic will only be remembered for it’s box office figures and a hit song. I might even throw Gladiator in there as well. And, sure, I understand a film doesn’t need an Academy Award in order to qualify as a classic (Forrest Gump beat Pulp Fiction and The Shawshank Redemption for Best Picture in 1994, which is, needless to say, unthinkable considering each film’s standing with the public 15 years later).

Now, where do movies come from? They start with an idea, an idea that becomes fleshed out over time. We have screenwriters to thank for that. The noble screenwriters never get their due respect, except within the industry. And that’s the problem. Everyone has to start somewhere, and in the movie business it’s no different. Movie execs start out as interns, directors start out as assistant cameramen, and writers start out as…..well, writers. It’s the lost art of the spec script (def: a screenplay written by someone outside the movie business). Studio executives don’t luck into good screenplays anymore, they’re handed a small stack by “readers”, who’s only job is to read screenplays and decide what’s good and what’s not. And who are these readers? Nobody. Imagine this: the Good Will Hunting screenplay bounced around every studio in Hollywood in the early 90’s without a single taker. Nobody liked it, not one studio reader. Kevin Smith, film director and good friend of Good Will Hunting co-writer Ben Affleck, physically hands the script to Harvey Weinstein at Miramax. Harvey loves it, they make it, and wouldn’t you know it, the script wins Best Original Screenplay at the Academy Awards that year. Which tells us one thing: not only was it a good script….it was the best fucking script of that entire year!!!!! It makes me want to run into walls head-first. As a matter of fact, I’ll be right back………Ok, all better. A script that goes on to win an Oscar was passed over by reader after reader, studio after studio, until someone with a fucking brain and a set of balls read it. I swear, if there’s ever a nuclear holocaust, Hollywood will survive, just like cockroaches.

And that brings us to the point: Hollywood has no balls. They’re so afraid of change they stick with the same formulas over and over again, treading the same waters and latching onto any trend they can. Now, the consumers are just as much to blame. The general public actually hands over money to watch this filth, so why would they stop making them? They have no incentive. When someone comes up with a truly original idea the public needs to respond and show they appreciate something more than Hollywood normally has to offer. Consider a film like Memento. It’s an independent film made on a modest budget of $5,000,000, and it goes on to earn just over $25,000,000 during its run in theaters. Now, take a look at the IMDB top 250 films based on user rating. It’s #26!!! The general public has rated this film #26 out of all movies, and it’s warranted. It’s one of the most truly ingenious films I’ve ever seen and it deserves its recognition. And, by the way, it was directed by a little known fella by the name of Christopher Nolan. That’s right, kids, the same guy that blew the world away with The Dark Knight directed a cult indie classic that is still only appreciated by devoted cinephiles. And why? Because it’s smart and original. Seemingly, only the independents have the guts to roll with a genre-bending idea like Memento. Present the public with the option, give them a taste of something original and see how it pans out.

But, where are all the original ideas? Not in Hollywood, we know that much. What Hollywood does have is polished writers, veterans who know how to write for the screen but have lost their creative edge. Screenwriters get multi-picture deals with studios the same way directors and actors do. They’re pushed to create in a certain time-frame, under studio guidelines. Can you think of anything more creatively stifling than that? They don’t have the chance to create something organically. Here’s an idea: Hey, Hollywood, you know all those piles of scripts, log-lines and synopsis’ you receive on a daily basis? Take a look at them!! Just because these writers aren’t “in the club” doesn’t mean they don’t have original ideas to offer. With the plethora of information on screenwriting and the availability to view produced scripts online, even the freelance writers can hone their craft. There’s talent amongst the public, but Hollywood is too caught up in its own ways to see it. What would be the harm in optioning a spec script with a fresh take on an old formula, and maybe cleaning up some of the rough points with one of your stock writers you have under contract? So, you get the best of both worlds: an outsider with a hunger and a taste for outside-the-box thinking and a savvy vet who polishes the stone for a small fee. It’s a win-win.

Hollywood, it’s time to look elsewhere. These writers are out there, waiting to be found. For the sake of the industry, give them a chance.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Character Spotlight: Michael Myers “Halloween” (1978)


Since this is the first edition of my “Character Spotlight” series and Halloween is growing near, I figured Michael Myers would make a great first subject to highlight. There’s going to be some spoilers ahead, so if you haven’t seen the flick please watch it first. I don’t ask much, people, I’m just trying to do you a favor. “Halloween” is my favorite horror franchise and I’ve been watching the man do his thing through many many sequels, so I feel I’m up to the task of looking underneath the mask a bit. This spotlight will undoubtedly not feature any back-story Rob Zombie created for his miserable remake of the classic original film. According to Mr. Zombie, the only cause for criminal insanity is having a bad childhood, complete with abusive red-neck parents (or was it abusive red-neck guards in the insane asylum? Either way, red-necks in Illinois doesn’t work for me…and I’m not watching it again to find out!).

But, while we’re on the subject of childhood, let’s do a little assuming and try to figure some things out. The first shot of the original film we see a nice two-story suburban home. They’ve got the white-picket fence and everything; the American dream, except no dog (hang on to that, kids). Two children, nice house in suburbia, seemingly well-off parents. How could a maniac-in-waiting fester in this kind of wholesome environment? I’ll tell you how: lack of identity. This kid walks out his front-door every morning and sees the same thing: parents going to work, kids walking to school, people walking their dogs, a monotonous routine that happens day-after-day. The suburban lifestyle strips anyone of their identity, it makes conformity the norm or else you won’t fit in. So what night does young Michael Myers choose to act out on his maniacal impulse? Why, Halloween, of course. And why? Because he puts on a costume and assumes another identity. He ceases being the same kid that every other kid in the neighborhood is. Notice how his first killing is done with a mask on, and that he barely watches the victim, his poor half-naked sister who just got done with the quickest sexual encounter in the history of cinema. During the killing he spends half the time watching his own hand as it thrusts the knife downward into his defenseless sibling. He’s a different person underneath that clown mask, and he’s so bewildered by the change that he even watches himself perform the heinous act while he’s doing it. I mean, the kid is 8-years-old when he kills for the first time. Isn’t that just about the age when you become slightly aware that you’re able to act-out? This is the age when little boys start wrestling with their brother or friends of a similar age. So Michael had been nurturing this homicidal tendency all through his youth until two things magically coincided on the same night: his new-found ability to act-out his impulses and his change in identity through a Halloween costume. Only, he was sloppy. Kids act on impulse, they feel like doing something and they just do it. Hence, the reason he got caught. He runs out the FRONT DOOR with a bloody knife in his hand! Clearly, he didn’t have much of an exit strategy, as the murder was, undoubtedly, poorly planned. Older Michael would learn from this costly mistake in the years to come.

So, Michael sits in an asylum for fifteen years. You know what’s going through his head? “Why the fuck did I walk out the front door holding the murder weapon??” That’s right. Imagine sitting in one place for fifteen years thinking about a mistake like that. I can’t sit and think about a mistake for more than fifteen minutes before I get aggravated, and he had a full fifteen YEARS to ponder his bonehead move. But, eventually, like everyone does, he comes to grips with it. Then it becomes all about the escape. At a certain point he feels prepared to rectify the mistake he made and do it right. But, he has to get out of the asylum first, because he’s back in the same environment he was in as a child: everybody is the same, wears the same clothes, same routine-oriented life, and is constantly watched over by parent figures. It’s the same string of circumstances that caused him to lose his mind in the first place. So, before he is to be taken back to court and sentenced to an even longer term in the nut house, he makes a run for it. And what night is it on? You guessed it, the night before Halloween. The man has impeccable timing. He’s somehow learned how to drive a car and he makes a clean getaway.

He’s free!! Now, what’s his first objective once he gets back to his hometown? A change of clothes (courtesy of a dead mechanic he leaves in the bushes by the train tracks) and a new mask. However, this mask is a far cry from the clown get-up he had during his first murder. The mask is featureless. Just a plain white mask with fuzzy brown hair and two eye holes. Of all the masks in the store he picks the simplest one he could find, not a monster or an alien that might look scarier. But, examine that mask a little closer, it’s exactly what he feels he is: faceless. The nondescript mask could be anyone, and no one. There’s no discernable identity associated with that mask. It’s the mask he’ll don the rest of the series, going so far as to seek out another one at the beginning of the “Halloween 4”. That mask defines him, who he thinks he is. Once he gets suited up he gets right back to work: tracking down sister number two. Now, we don’t find out Laurie is his sister until that little wrinkle gets uncovered in “Halloween 2”, but having that knowledge while watching the first one gives him motive. He’s going to kill his other sister, this time without getting caught. It’s all about righting a wrong. I hate the argument people give when the killer has an actual motive: “It’s much scarier when there’s no motive. It’s just random killing.” I don’t buy it. If he was just randomly killing in the first movie, why did he single out Laurie? He sees her approach his old house early in the movie and follows her around the rest of the day, creeping her out the whole time. Maybe he was angry that she approached his house? Sounds like motive to me. So, for all those people who think having a motive demystifies the psychotic killer, think up a reason for why such a “random” killer keeps his eyes set on Laurie the entire movie. I mean, staring at her through the window at school, why waste the time?? Wouldn’t he just be bumping off anybody that came near him if he was a mindless killer? Just imagine him casually stabbing joggers as they run past him down the sidewalk. Doesn’t sound so scary anymore, does it?

Day becomes night, and the real fun begins. Michael isn’t as much of a serial killer, more of a serial stalker who also kills. He’s patient this time around, he’s learned from his hasty first kill. You’ve got to pick your moments just right. He’s become a master of quietly sneaking around without being seen or heard by anyone, except Tommy Doyle, but he’s a kid so that doesn’t count. Now, he’s stalking his sister, Laurie, and her two friends, Linda and Annie, but who does he kill first? A dog. That’s right. He kills the dog of the family Annie is babysitting for with his bare hands as he stalks Annie from the bushes outside the house. On top of that, Michael is only said to have eaten a meal once in the entire movie. Know what that meal was? A dog. It’s the dog Dr. Loomis and Sheriff Bracket find mutilated at the Myers’ house. Think maybe he’s got a little resentment over not having a canine friend to play with when he was a kid? I would venture to think so. After the dog gets it, he starts picking off the friends. He strangles Annie in her car, jams a knife through Linda’s boyfriend in the kitchen, and strangles Linda with a phone cord while Laurie listens. Two of those murders are crimes of passion. And, not coincidentally, it’s the two girls who get strangled. His first murder was quick, stabbing his sister with a knife multiple times. See, that’s messy. It sprays blood everywhere and it leaves evidence in the form of a murder weapon. Using your bare hands or a phone cord is an act of will, of patience. He’s willing to literally drain the life out of them with his own two hands. Anyone can pull a trigger or puncture flesh with a sharp object, but it takes a ruthless killer to strangle a person to death. And that’s what he’s become: a smart, patient, ruthless killer. In the later sequels he became that guy that just pops out of nowhere and kills with reckless impunity. But, in this one, he’s a force, an unstoppable force that even his own doctor describes as “purely and simply evil”.

Have we learned a lesson from Mr. Myers? I think so. Conformity has a downside. Don’t waste away in some crap life that feels stale and stagnant. Live a real life. Defy the norm, rebel a bit. Because if you don’t, there’s a chance you wind up throwing on a creepy mask and a jumpsuit and wrapping your hands around the throats of your nearest and dearest until your life’s main goal is to kill your entire family. I’m sure some people have thought about it, and if you decide to do it, please, take a few notes from the man: Michael Myers.





I’m not going to end most of my character profiles with an adherence to murderous violence like that, so read it as a joke and move along with your day.



Tuesday, October 6, 2009

My Top-30 Favorite Films

Alright, folks, to know the man you must know what has shaped the man. If anyone (anyone?) is going to read this blog then you must understand what makes me tick, cinematically at least. Over the course of time you’ll certainly find out what makes me retch, as I’m sure I’ll highlight some of Hollywood’s lesser efforts in a vain attempt to stop these insidious films from being made. So, now is the opportunity to see what makes me happy, blissful, and otherwise merry. Embrace the moment, people, because my average temperament causes me to rant on the inadequacies of all things less-than-stellar.

Below you’ll find a list of my top 10 favorite films….or, at least what was supposed to be my top 10 films. Believe me, it’s difficult trying to whittle down a list of your top 10 favorite anything (except Commandments), so picking my most beloved films out of the vast oblivion of film history was no easy task. A top 10 became a top 20 list, which, in turn, formed a top 30 list. I’ll spare the dissertations on the lower ranking ones and just leave a small blurb stating my reason for inclusion.

Before I get to the list I’d like to point out some tendencies that encapsulate my tastes and distastes. It’s plainly evident upon first glance that I enjoy 3 things: samurais, film noirs, and the Coen Brothers. I’m an idiot for all three of those and I refuse to change. These are my desert island kind of films; strand me with food, water, samurai films, film noirs, and the Coen Brother’s catalogue and I’ll live a blissful existence. And, now, to the list!!


30. The Princess Bride - Rob Reiner (1987)

This flick has it all: fantasy, romance, action, the most quotable dialogue ever, and Mandy Patinkin. I’ve never met a person who hasn’t loved this film.

29. Blood Simple - Joel & Ethan Coen (1984)

Coen Brother’s first outing is a heavily stylized thriller that refuses to let you smile. Morally corrupt characters in bad situations = a damn fine film that won’t allow you to root for any one character.

28. Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang - Shane Black (2005)

A buddy/mystery/action/comedy. Shane Black dances through many different genres with relative ease, which is no easy feat. The most entertaining first 45 minutes of a movie I’ve ever seen.

27. Night of the Living Dead - George A. Romero (1968)

Not the first zombie flick, but the most important. Romero sets the chaos in rural America and employs an African-American as the hero. A round of applause for a bold and brilliant move.

26. M - Fritz Lang (1931)

The first serial killer ever portrayed on film, by Peter Lorre no less. Great film that asks the question: if we can’t control our own urges, whether criminal or not, can we be held accountable for them?

25. A Hard Day’s Night - Richard Lester (1964)

Pure joy. Shot documentary style, the film follows The Beatles during their early fame in a fun, day-in-the-life musical.

24. Throne of Blood - Akira Kurosawa (1957)

“Macbeth” set in feudal Japan. Toshiro Mifune is the second-in-command general who gets played by his scheming, power hungry wife. Broads.

23. Swingers - Doug Liman (1996)

The first, and most honest, man’s guide to dating. Jon Favreau wrote and starred in this cult classic that never seems to be out of date.

22. Leon: The Professional - Luc Besson (1994)

One of the odder buddy pictures you’ll ever find. Strangely, the pairing of a young girl seeking restitution for her murdered family by enlisting the help of a professional hit-man works beautifully.

21. Ichi the Killer - Takashi Miike (2001)

Cat-and-mouse gorefest that will test your stomach and your mind. Read the article below if you’re THAT interested.

20. Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope- George Lucas (1977)

Does anything really need to be said? The space epic that started it all. Essentially a sci-fi fantasy with bad dialogue and futuristic characters wearing 70’s clothes and hair-do’s. But, that doesn’t take away the magic that audiences felt the first time they wandered into this bizarre new world. The bar scene at the space station early on is filled with strange characters that demonstrate George Lucas’ imagination, which sadly became childish and commercially driven by the third film. But, this one is a gem.

19. Black Hawk Down - Ridley Scott (2001)

An all-out assault on all senses. Based on Mark Bowden’s book, it’s a relentless war movie that never stops for a breath once the action begins. The nighttime firefight is absolutely stunning. Do yourself a favor, turn the volume way up and just feel this movie as it plays out. You’ll fall in-love with it.

18. Gladiator - Ridley Scott (2000)

Ridley Scott's second-in-a-row on this list is a sword-and-sandals epic revenge tale of the highest quality. Give credit to Russell Crowe and Joaquin Phoenix for their yin-and-yang performances. Crowe’s “Maximus” is a picture of determination and heart that carries the film all the way through, while Phoenix’s “Commodus” is the cowardly manipulator who plays the perfect foil to our hero.

17. The Godfather - Francis Ford Coppola (1972)

An exercise in perfect casting and storytelling. What can I say that hasn’t been said already? It’s the seminal American film about the mafia that never tires. The story unfolds with classic scene after classic scene and dialogue that has never strayed from the vernacular.

16. Clerks - Kevin Smith (1994)

A slice-of-life film for the younger generation of slacker culture. Kevin Smith’s first venture into the filmmaking fray yielded a dialogue-heavy classic that is so real it almost feels like it was shot through a store security camera. The black-and-white, grainy feel only adds to the realistic vibe.

15. The Maltese Falcon - John Huston (1941)

The original film noir. It’s got it all: a hard-nosed detective (who else but Humphrey Bogart?), a femme fatale, snappy dialogue, a convoluted plot, and the most famous piece of movie memorabilia ever. Add in Peter Lorre as a creepy henchman and there’s no reason you haven’t seen this film yet.

14. Seven Samurai - Akira Kurosawa (1954)

Credited as the first action film ever. Akira Kurosawa’s epic samurai film about a small band of samurai warriors defending a poor farming village from pillaging bandits served as the basis for the American remake, “The Magnificent Seven”, but is far superior in character development and story than the star-studded Hollywood affair. The lunacy and sheer joy that is Toshiro Mifune is on full display here.

13. Casablanca - Michael Curtiz (1942)

Another Bogart classic that stands the test of time. Greatest romance movie ever? I think the argument could be made. Great performances and a snappy script elevate this one into the discussion of top films of all time.

12. Miller’s Crossing - Joel & Ethan Coen (1990)

The gangster film re-imagined with the trademark Coen Brothers wit and humor. Heavy on style and rich with intertwining plot elements, it’s a classic noir with a slight edge from two of the finest filmmakers alive today.

11. Sword of Doom - Kihachi Okamoto (1966)

Another samurai flick on the list, but not Kurosawa this time. A remorseless samurai master goes on the run with the wife of the man he wrongfully killed. His lack of morality makes him an engrossing anti-hero you can’t take your eyes off of. The crazy finale will leave you speechless.

10. Pan’s Labyrinth - Guillermo del Toro (2006)

A finely crafted fairy-tale set during the Spanish civil war. The film weaves the story of a young girl forced to live with her mother’s new husband, a relentlessly sinister army colonel, and a fairy-tale world where she takes refuge from her harsh reality. The war is a perfect back-drop for the grim normalcy that has filled her life, especially being the step-daughter of a militant. But, it’s the fairy-tale world, sparsely seen during the film, that will leave you enthralled. The cinematography is stunning and the characters are complex, which complements a riveting story that bounces back and forth between the two worlds seamlessly. Guillermo del Toro’s finest work to date.

9. City of God - Fernando Meirelles (2002)

This is a Brazilian gang film set in the slums of Rio de Janeiro that laces so many storylines together you’ll be amazed how the filmmakers made it all work. The narrative bounces around in time and space, showcasing one character after another until it seems all the characters have some kind of common bond. The story is stunningly complex and well-told with a sense of realism that’s almost shocking. This mini-review could never begin to scratch the surface of this film, so I’ll just say: See it!

8. Se7en - David Fincher (1995)

The combination of Andrew Kevin Walker’s amazing screenplay and David Fincher’s dark photography blend perfectly together in this most clever of thrillers. Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt partner up to track down a serial killer motivated by the Seven Deadly Sins. The standard detective story is freshened up with a twist near the end and then the ultimate twist ending of them all. Anyone who knows what I’m talking about can attest to the power of the climax. It’s a rare film that only improves during the third act. Know any other movies like that?

7. Yojimbo - Akira Kurosawa (1961)

Another Kurosawa samurai film that was Americanized as classic Sergio Leone spaghetti western “A Fistful of Dollars”. A nameless samurai wanders unknowingly into a village with a gang war brewing. Toying with both sides, he manipulates each to his own liking and advantage until he chooses a side to help. The incomparable Toshiro Mifune delivers another incredible performance as the nomadic warrior with a good heart and a sharp tongue. This is samurai films at their finest.

6. The Battle of Algiers - Gillo Pontecorvo (1966)

This one almost feels too real. An absolutely engrossing story of Algerian separatists seeking freedom from French occupation. The back-and-forth between the French military and the Algerian freedom fighters is a classic game of who can one-up the other. It hits too close to modern times occasionally as the Algerians resort to terrorist tactics to attain their goal of freedom, while the stone cold French military commander calmly exacts revenge is his own malicious way. But, make no mistake, you will be rooting hard for the Algerians, to the point of hating the French by the time the credits roll. And I like that.

5. No Country For Old Men - Joel & Ethan Coen (2007)

Javier Bardem creates one of the strangest, most captivating villains ever put on screen (a killer with a menacing air canister?) in what could have been a ho-hum standard chase film. However, it’s Tommy Lee Jones’ character that pushes the poignancy of the film to the forefront. There’s two stories happening at once, both chases in a sense, and both of which are interesting enough to make their own film. But when focused on viewing the film through the weathered eyes of Jones’ town sheriff, you begin to understand the point of the story. The ending gets a bad rap for being too abrupt, and I know people who really disliked it, but there’s more there than just an attempt at a pretentious ending that will confuse audiences. Jones’ character makes the engine run, and that final scene cements his place in the story. If you’ve seen it, watch it again. If you haven’t seen it, I’m upset.

4. The Third Man - Carol Reed (1949)

Set against the backdrop of post-war Vienna, this mystery/thriller is one of those old fashioned whodunit’s, albeit with a few more twists and turns. The infamy of this movie stems from the fact that Orson Welles wrote all of his own dialogue, though he has very limited screen time in the film. Welles’ “Harry Lime” is the purest picture of a con man ever put on film, and no one other than him could play the slimy yet debonair criminal who works all the angles. Joseph Cotten plays the snooping, yet unassuming friend in search of the “deceased” Harry Lime along with Alida Valli’s in-denial girlfriend of the assumed dead. Carol Reed crafted a classic, check it out.

3. Lord of the Rings Trilogy - Peter Jackson (2001 - 2003)

Well, folks, there’s over 11 hours of film to be absorbed here, so don’t expect me touch every base of greatness in this awe-inspiring trilogy. You can’t pick one….you just can’t. One film does not exist without the others. At gunpoint, I’d have to say my favorite is “Return of the King”, simply due to the amped-up tension and raw emotion and heroism displayed throughout the climax. But it doesn’t reach that status without the previous two films setting up the great characters and situations that get to play out in full in the grand finale. It’s beautiful to look at and features an amazing quest that’s unrivaled in the history of film.

2. Brick - Rian Johnson (2005)

Here’s the oddball pick from me (I’m sure some people are saying “Yeah, sure, THIS is the oddball pick...look at the rest of this wacky fuckin' list!!”). But, that’s neither here nor there. Rian Johnson does what very few people would be capable of: take the dialect and colloquialisms of Dashiell Hammett and Raymond Chandler novels, set the action in the present, and oh, by the way, have the setting be a high school in California, throw it in a hat, shake it all up, throw it down on film and have it actually WORK. I mean WORK, BABY! The premise sounds like a parody of old film noirs, and in a sense it is, but in a way that honors those gems of the golden age of cinema. Joseph Gordon Levitt owns this movie in every way. I can’t recommend this film enough, especially repeat viewings.

1. L.A. Confidential - Curtis Hanson (1997)

Perfection. This is as good as film gets for my buck. A film noir set in 1950’s Los Angeles featuring star-making turns from Russell Crowe and Guy Pearce, alongside veterans Kevin Spacey, James Cromwell, Danny DeVito, David Strathairn and Kim Basinger. This film has so many twists and turns that catch you by surprise, it makes you wonder who writes incredible material like this. I can’t even go into the plot here, as there’s so much that happens I would wind up writing page after page about how great this film is. The characters are so well drawn that each is forced to make tough decisions and deal with the consequences of those decisions in a way that’s specific to only that character, which is the very definition of character. From Crowe's intense muscle-head "Bud White" to Pearce's politically savy bookworm "Ed Exley", each actor molds their creations then chews up the dialogue and spits it back on screen with a deft touch. Don’t hesitate, this one is worth watching multiple times.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

"Ichi the Killer": In Adoration of Violence

Very few people who live above ground have heard of a sadistic, wretchedly depraved film called Ichi the Killer. It’s been relegated to a small sect of us subterranean worm people who seek out these bizarre films; hence they go unnoticed by most of the population. And here’s the dirty little secret: we like it. Listen, it’s not like we’re trying to be cooler than cool, but everybody wants something that’s their own that no one else can claim. This is the theory behind the backlash against popularity, especially in pop-culture: when something gets too well-known some people let go of it, or bash it, as has been the case on internet talk-backs for years now. The movie doesn’t even have to be good, necessarily, for people to latch onto it, it just has to feel like they’re part of a select group who have seen it and/or enjoyed it. If the Transformers movie was an underground, a little-known film minus some of the special effects due to budgetary concerns, it would be a cult film. But, because it was a big budget, special effects extravaganza that made an ocean of money, people turn on it. All for the simple reason that it doesn’t feel like their own movie, it’s everyone’s. As for myself, I relish the idea of spreading the word on films to my friends, or discovering something they gave me to watch, so we all have something to share that’s ours. Nothing makes me happier than recommending a movie to my friends and having them enjoy it as much as I do, that’s what makes us friends. We can throw movie quotes around from films that most other people wouldn’t even see, let alone know every line of dialogue. National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1 for us is an absolute treasure trove of unending hilarious quotes that we’ll never stop using in everyday conversation. I assure you there’s a very small group of people who are quoting that movie every day.
However, that’s where the enigma of Ichi the Killer begins. I would never recommend this film to anyone, unless I knew they had the same morally flexible sensibilities that I do. If you know some of the other films in director Takashi Miike’s body of work, then you might have a vague idea what to expect. This movie is sick, twisted, uber-violent, and bordering on horrifying. It has everything nobody wants to see, from rape, dismemberment, suicide, torture, right up to the title of the film rising out of a puddle of semen, which apparently is real semen. Now, I’m not saying I heard all these horrifying things that happen in this movie and immediately said “I want that!!” On the contrary, I’d read about the film for years on different websites in researching other dissolute films such as Salo and Cannibal Holocaust. There was commonly a casual mention of Ichi the Killer somewhere in there, but most reviews for the film were positive. And that’s where there’s a difference. Films such as Salo, Cannibal Holocaust, and the Guinea Pig series (none of which I’ve ever seen, or probably ever will see) represent a lack of story structure, making their sole purpose to disgust people. It’s fascinating to read about these films online, as these are the ones that people say “Man, if you thought _______ was disgusting, you haven’t seen anything. Check out _______!!” These people aren’t necessarily fans of the films, most just like to say they’ve seen them and lived to tell the story or to gloat over others and say, “man, you’re not ready for that movie”. Which makes these films simply a badge of honor for those who are trying to push the limits of what they can watch and not be disgusted by. It’s almost a contest to see who’s more desensitized. Films are about story and plot and character, and mixed in with the over-the-top violence and blood squirting, Ichi the Killer has all that.
The plot centers on Japanese yakuza searching for their missing “Boss”. The de facto leader of the gang, Kakihara (Tadanobu Asano), a cruel masochist with rings in his cheeks to hold his face together, turns to the leader of a rival gang after receiving, what turns out to be, a false tip-off from an unassuming old man. The interrogation scene that follows is about as harsh and stomach-churning as it gets, at least as far as I’ve seen. Now, I want to stop here to focus on this moment in the film. The Saw franchise straddles the line of this new “torture porn” craze that apparently passes for horror in current American cinema. The new point of horror movies is to disgust without any relevance to the story; it all comes down to the kill. Characters we don’t care about get killed off for no reason except to demonstrate the creativity of the kill, paying no attention to set-up or character arc. It’s baffling. The first Saw used the torture fairly effectively, serving as a means to discover the characters through their actions. Sadly, the rest of the series focused mainly on the gore and inventive torture gadgets, and overuse of the twist ending. The interrogation scene in Ichi is a set-up for not one or two, but a minimum of three things to come later on in the film. And for this reason, upon second viewing, you get to have an “ahhhh….I see what’s going on here” moment that’s absent when the brutality serves no purpose. Needless to say, there is a level of gratuitous violence in the film, as just about every woman in the film is abused in some way. And even some of the over-the-top moments involving the women are there to serve as a character reveal, unfortunately, at the expense of mostly innocent women caught up in a very vicious world.
Another tip-off refers the gang to a psychopath named Ichi (Nao Omori), who has savagely murdered the “Boss” in a glorious, blood-spurting manner. What follows this set-up is a bit of a cat-and-mouse game where the now exiled Kakihara and his band of yakuza cast-offs search for Ichi, some to seek revenge for the “Boss”, and Kakihara to find Ichi and satisfy his craving to have pain inflicted upon him. The strange thing about the story is there doesn’t appear to really be a protagonist to empathize with. Kakihara inflicts so much carnage in his search for his beloved “Boss” and, ultimately, Ichi, without any regard for human life that it’s impossible to root for him. He seeks pain, and that’s something I simply can’t identify with. Ichi, himself, is an enigmatic character you find yourself strangely sympathizing with. He’s a killing machine, plain and simple, but only if provoked. You see, Ichi is more of a small child who has almost no control over himself or his actions if the mood strikes him. He dresses like a superhero, albeit with knife blades sticking out of his shoes, and kills only those he is told to kill, as he is made to believe these people are the bullies who pushed him around when he was a child. And that’s where it gets interesting. He is almost portrayed as an innocent; his actions dictated by someone who has been controlling him and telling him who to kill. This person (who shall no be named as that would ruin the fun) has brainwashed Ichi into thinking he’s ridding the world of all the bad people. He weeps when he kills and confuses violent anger with sexual arousal, stemming from an “incident” from his childhood that proves to be the seed of his rage.
OK, I’m going to out on a limb here, folks. I’m going to recommend this film, but with an asterisk. Not everyone can handle violence on screen, and for anyone who doesn’t like the comparatively tame violence in an action movie or who has to cover their eyes during the “gross” scenes in a horror movie, don’t heed my recommendation. Mind you, Ichi the Killer is not a horror movie, as there isn’t really anything scary about the film at all. There is even a bit of humor, whether intentional or unintentional, as is the case in some of the more laughable effects shots. The scariest thing is it's lack of moral center, and it’s ambiguity towards violence. Horrible acts are thrown up on screen and never is there a moment where a character reflects upon what happened, but rather steam-rolls into the next scene, leaving you to just accept what happened and move along. By the end of the film you may feel a bit darker than you did before you started. I assure you, it wears off. But, here’s the kicker: what you’ll remember first and tell everyone about is the violence and the bloodshed, as this film will always be defined by these elements, but it’s the story that will stick with you for days. That’s what makes this film worthy of not one, but at least two viewings. Because once the shock of the visuals wears off, you’ll find yourself engrossed in the very strange narrative being told.
Now, listen, you’re being forewarned. First off, if your friends turn on you for enjoying this movie don’t blame me. I’ve succinctly laid out the gruesome details, leaving only your own curiosity to blame should you decide to watch it. As I’ve discovered, there’s a good chance you may find yourself wanting to watch Ichi the Killer more than once. I assure you, there’s nothing wrong with you; it’s a good thing…..just don’t tell anyone.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Weekend pREEDictions

College football hits its stride in week 2 as the rest of the NFL kicks off in opening weekend. Here's away we can cash in as we enjoy the weekends great match-ups.

Michigan +3 vs. Notre Dame

I know everybody gets excited when Notre Dame looks promissing. Every network that covers sports benefits from having a successful Notre Dame program, so anytime they do something well it gets magnified. They all tell about how Jimmy Clausen is finally excelling in Charlie Weis' offense with 716 yards combined in his last 2 games. But those games were against Hawaii and Neveda. But in his 2 games against Michigan, Clausen has averaged only 110 yards passing. They also have failed to mention Clausen's 4-7 record away from South Bend, including a 38-0 loss at The Big House in 2007.

USC @ Ohio State OVER 45 1/2

In last seasons meeting between the power house programs, it took coach Jim Tressel two quarters before realizing he was going to need Terrel Pryor in order to stand a chance against the men of Troy. By then it was too late as the Buckeyes fell 35-3. This year there is no doubt that Pryor is the man in Columbus and he is an element Big 10 football is in great need of. The Buckeyes defense struggled against Navy's spread option attack last weekend, this will allow Pete Carroll to put the game in the hands of his tailback Joe McKnight and not rely heavily on freshman QB Matt Barkley. I could see Pryor putting up points against this USC team, look for a 31-24 outcome, you pick the winner.

Tampa Bay +5 1/2 vs Dallas

If this game was being played in week 10, the Cowboys would be 8 to 10 point favorites. However opening on the road in a hot and humid Tampa Bay against a Bucs team that is trying to prove every analyst in the country wrong will make this a close game. It isn't going to take Tony Romo long to realize how important T.O. was to this offense.

Cleveland +3 1/2 vs Minnesota

Brett Favre makes his Vikings debut on the shores of Lake Erie and you can bet the creatures in the Dawg Pound will let him know how they feel about him. The Browns are going to need a big season out of linebackers D'Qwell Jackson, who had a team leading 154 tackles last season, and 2006 1st round pick Kamerion Wimbley. What better test than the games best running Adrian Peterson. I expect a couple key Favre-induced turnovers and a big debut out of Brady Quinn as the Browns pull the upset at home.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

A Good Year for the Quaker State, Aaron Rogers



For the last decade, the NFL has taught us that nothing is guaranteed heading into a season. Only in the National Football League can the Miami Dolphins bounce back from a community embarrassing 1-15 season in 2007 to knocking off the Patriots for the AFC East crown in 2008. Of course, the parody goes both ways as the Jacksonville Jaguars displayed last season; posting a 5-11 record just one year removed from falling a game short of the Super Bowl the year before. The thing about the NFL is that teams are constantly adjusting from year to year.
Unlike the other major sports where teams are in rebuild mode or have a three to five year window for contention, every team has a chance to win from week to week providing an opportunity for a playoff run. While a team can lack experience, the phrase "too young" should never be used to describe an NFL team. The requirement for players to spend at least three seasons at the college level leads to men entering the league just before their athletic prime. This provides teams who had an off year with the best athletes available in the draft to revamp for the next season (2008 Jaguars). So with all that being said... I don't see too much change from last season to this one.
So which fan-base gets to say there team is this year’s Dolphins? Who is going to suffer and put up with last year’s Jaguars? (Hey the Lions don’t have a chance to be either) With that, I present the first ever Mike’s pREEDictions
AFC East
New England Patriots 12-4
I’m pretty certain this is how Bill Parcell’s preseason speech to this years Dolphins went: "Number 12 in New England is back. Last year means absolutely nothing. I’ll be on the treadmill. Pennington, get me a Dove bar." I cannot confirm the first part but what is true is this team won 11 games last season WITHOUT the leagues best player. A trip to Indianapolis aside, New England has a weak road schedule including December games in the cool climates of Miami and Houston.
Miami Dolphins 7-9
Look for the Dolphins to stay in many games throughout the season, but end up on the wrong end more often than not. Whereas last season’s schedule provided late season match-ups with Oakland, St. Louis, San Francisco, and Kansas City, this season provides Indianapolis, Pittsburgh, Tennessee, and Carolina. While last season was not a mirage, the Dolphins will come back down to earth this season but continue heading in the right direction.
Buffalo Bills 4-12
Just 10 days before the season is set to begin they fire there offensive coordinator. 4 days after came the release of starting left tackle Langston Walker. Oh yeah and that Terrell Owens guy now collects his paychecks in upstate New York. So things aren’t going smooth in the Bills locker room, unfortunately a weak offensive line and Trent Edwards under center won’t turn the mood around any time soon.
New York Jets 4-12
A first year head coach and a rookie quarterback who failed to win the big games while surrounded by the best talent in the country in college should lead to a transition year in the meadowlands. Bart Scott brings veteran leadership to an already above average defense. But the NFL is a quarterback driven league, and should Mark Sanchez stumble at any point this season the offense would then be in the hands of Kellen Clemens. J-E-T-S 2010-10-10!!!
AFC North
Pittsburgh Steelers 11-5
Pittsburgh heads into a title defending season with a roster that was virtually untouched in the off season. Add the fact that the Steelers ended up with the 4th easiest strength of schedule and a repeat in the steel city could be very likely. The Steelers only have 2 road games after Thanksgiving. Look for a strong push to close the season
Baltimore Ravens 9-7
Rex Ryan departs as coordinator of a quickly aging defense (Ray Lewis, Samari Rolle, and Ed Reed all over 30). 2nd year quarterback Joe Flacco is going to need Todd Heap to get back to his form of a couple years ago to provide a weapon over the middle. How much can be expected of Derrick Mason at this point? Age aside, there is enough talent on this team to win more games than they’ll lose, especially with a home schedule that provides Detroit, Kansas City, and Denver.
Cleveland Browns 8-8
Brady Quinn is finally given control of the Cleveland offense in Eric Mangini’s first season in the championship starved city. The offensive line is finally coming together entering the Brown’s 10th season since returning. Look for rookie James Davis out of Clemson to turn a lot of heads and take over the starting job from Jamal Lewis by the end of the season. A mediocre defense will keep the Brownies just short of a playoff trip but they will make many improvements in 2009.
Cincinnati 5-11
As a Steelers fan, I can’t help but feel guilty by pointing out that Carson Palmer has not been the same person since having his knee mangled by Kimo von Oelhoffen in 2006 (only 7 games with over 300 yards passing since). Leveranues Coles and Chris Henry do not replace T.J. Houshmandzadeh.
AFC South
Indianapolis Colts 10-6
Peyton Manning is running out of time to become a multiple Super Bowl champion. With that being said, this years schedule provides as good a chance as the Colts have had since the championship season of 2006. Anthony Gonzalez needs to step up and become a solid #2 target for Manning after the departure of Marvin Harrison. The real question regarding this team’s success is the defense, specifically stopping the run. Should they fail, the 33 year old Manning will need his most productive season yet in a Hall of Fame career.
Houston Texans 9-7
This team will have the most explosive offense in the NFL in 2009. Look for a breakout season from Steve Slaton which will provide protection for QB Matt Schaub. The Texans are bringing back a starting offensive line that has been together for two full seasons. How many today are questioning the Houston front office for selecting Mario Williams over Vince Young and Reggie Bush?
Tennessee Titans 7-9
Kerry Collins should only serve as a band-aid for a temporary QB issue. At 36 years old how much can be expected of Collins? It certainly shouldn’t be to lead this team back to the playoffs. Chris Johnson and LenDale White should take some pressure off the veteran QB, but is there enough receiving threats for opposing defenses to not force Collins to win the game?
Jacksonville Jaguars 4-12
After this season, every fan in Jacksonville will be calling for Sam Bradford to be their next QB. David Garrard will prove this season that he cannot carry an NFL team through an entire season. This team will go as far as Maurice Jones-Drew takes them, but like Tennessee there are not enough deep play weapons to force opponents to not play to stop the run.
AFC West
San Diego Chargers 9-7
For the second season in a row, the Chargers will make the playoffs because they are the coolest guy at Shenanigans. Phillip Rivers is what Brett Favre was a decade ago, but he has the play makers around him to make this style work. The road schedule is brutal with games at the Steelers, Giants, and Cowboys but, again, they play the Raiders and Chiefs four times.
Denver Broncos 5-11
Kyle Orton takes over an offense whose best receiver is holding out, demanding a trade. The success of the offense could be hinged on undersized rookie running back Knowshon Moreno. 1st year coach Josh McDaniels clearly isn’t worried about making any friends at Mile High Stadium, in what could be a one year coaching experiment.
Oakland Raiders 4-12
They got Richard Seymour! Darren McFadden might be good! As long as JaMarcus Russell and Al Davis are associated with the Black Hole this team is not winning more than 6 games a year.
Kansas City 3-13
Does Larry Johnson care about professional football anymore? Matt Cassel will never repeat last season’s performance, ever. With this supporting cast, I can guarantee it won’t be happening soon. The AFC West will be football’s equivalent of the AL league Central in 2009.
NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles 13-3
Donovan McNabb will finally silence the majority of his hometown critics in 2009. The offense is loaded with ways to move the ball down the field. The loss of Brian Dawkins should only hurt in the locker room as Asante Samuel becomes the leader of the Philly secondary. LeSean McCoy is my pick for offensive rookie of the year (and its pretty cool that he’s got 4 capital letters in his name).
New York Giants 11-5
Osi Umenyiora returns to an already solid defense. Eli Manning will feel the loss of Plaxico Burress but the diverse rushing attack provides enough protection for Peyton’s little brother. Any chance the NFC east isn’t the best division in football this year?
Washinton Redskins 10-6
The Redskins have been one the games best defenses for the last five seasons and have nothing to show for it. Albert Haynesworth will be the player that gets the ‘skins over the hump and back to the post season. Jason Campbell has a lot of doubters to prove wrong this season and with Chris Cooley, Santana Moss, and Clinton Portis all in the prime of their careers he has the talent around him to do it.
Dallas Cowboys 7-9
Say what you will about how T.O. is a distraction with every team he plays for, but those teams always get worse after he departs. I love Felix Jones and Marion Barber sharing carries for the 2nd season but I don’t see them and Jason Witten being enough to lead this team in the rugged NFC East.
NFC North
Green Bay Packers 12-4
Except for a trip to Pittsburgh in December, the NFL gave the Pack a very generous road schedule. You thought Aaron Rodgers had a lot to prove last season? Now he gets to go head-to-head with his predecessor, TWICE! Rookie B.J. Raji joins what could be the best young defense in the NFC, look at that linebacker corps and all their potential.
Minnesota Vikings 9-7
Well Mr. Favre, you got your wish. Unfortunately for you, the opponents on your schedule are too physical for you to continue the consecutive games streak and remain productive. The Vikings were an average to an above average team who had the best running back in the game last year. At this point in your career, you do not have what it takes to bring any team to that next level. Let me know what it’s like to get booed by the people who loved everything you did for 16 years.
Chicago Bears 6-10
The Bears open up at Green Bay, home versus Pittsburgh, and at Seattle. By then they could very well be 0-3 and lose faith in Jay Cutler. Has there ever been more made over a QB who has done nothing in his career? Does Brian Urlacher have enough left in him to lead a defense that needs to hold its opponents to under 20 points a game to make up for a mediocre offense?
Detroit Lions 3-13
I’m usually against teams starting rookie quarterbacks, but what other reasons do Detroit fans have to get to Ford Field? The biggest transaction made by the Lions was the firing of Matt Millen. They still have a way to go, but there is no way they could play as bad as last season.
NFC South
New Orleans 10-6
The argument could be made that Drew Brees this generation’s less glamorous Dan Marino. He puts up stats that match up with the best in the league, but has never had the defense to put his team over the top and win a championship. That being said, this could be the year Brees gets back to competing for the NFC championship.
Carolina Panthers 8-8
Julius Peppers returns to a dominant defense, albeit reluctantly. The two-headed rushing attack of Jonathan Stewart and DeAngelo Williams enters it’s second season and the more you can keep the ball out of Jake Delhomme’s hands the better. Only the Dolphins have a harder strength of schedule than the Panthers which should keep them out of the playoffs, and could end the John Fox/Jake Delhomme era in Charlotte.
Atlanta Falcons 6-10
Congratulations on the Rookie of the Year Matt Ryan. Because of your great performance in year #1, the boys in the schedule making department provided you with road trips to New England, Dallas, and New York twice. Sophomore slumps happen to the best, not the elite, but the best. Nobody would be shocked in Michael Turner and yourself come back down to earth this year. Michael Vick comes to his old town December 6th, have him show you some of his old stomping grounds.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 3-13
Why was John Grueden fired again? Either way, Byron Leftwich gets a 2nd chance to start for an NFL team. Rookie Josh Freeman can expect to take over by December when Tampa is long out of contention. Sabby Piscatelli and Aqib Talib headline a young defense that will see plenty of action this year.
NFC West
Seattle Seahawks 9-7
T.J. Houshmandzadeh joins Deon Branch and Nate Burleson as receivers brought in to provide a deep play threat for Matt Hasselbeck. Aaron Curry (rookie, Wake Forest) joins Lofa Tatupu on a defense that will bring Seattle back to the top of the NFC West. Seattle plays in one of the few stadiums that still provides a home field advantage. With foes such as Tampa, Detroit, and Jacksonville coming to the Pacific northwest, Seattle should use this advantage to have them playing in January.
Arizona 7-9
Since 2002, only two teams who lost the Super Bowl won a playoff game the next season. A young team like Arizona could take a step backwards this year before they get back to the pinnacle of the sport. It should be interesting to see if Matt Leinart is given a chance to start at some point in this season, because Kurt Warner can’t be expected to lead this team too far into the future.
St. Louis Rams 5-11
Marc Bulger and Steven Jackson could provide enough offense to pull a couple upsets and stay competitive. However this defense lacks the skill and experience needed to win enough games, even in a winnable division.
San Francisco 49ers 2-14
The NFL is in fact a quarterback driven league. Some how Shaun Hill ended up in the driver’s seat in San Francisco. Rookie Michael Crabtree is the only first round draft pick yet to sign a contract, leaving the 49ers with Arnaz Battle as their big play receiver. Frank Gore could run for over 1200 yards on the worst team in the league.
Super Bowl Picks
Pittsburgh has the only defense that can slow Tom Brady and the Patriots in the AFC. If the Eagles secure home field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs I love their chances of making it to Miami in February.
This is Donovan McNabb’s year. Not only will he win the league’s MVP award but he will bring Philadelphia their first Super Bowl title.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The Critic

Feel free to call me nostalgic, but I recently dove back into a little known animated oddity called The Critic. For anyone who doesn’t remember, The Critic was an ABC and FOX animated show about a sardonic movie critic, “Jay Sherman”, voiced by Jon Lovitz, which lasted a mere twenty-three episodes before being cancelled. The purpose of this rant is to draw attention to this little gem of a show and bring it back on the air, albeit, in a different manner. Now, I’ll be the first to tell you I’m not much of a TV watcher. I can literally count the number of TV shows I watch on one hand without the thumb even thinking about being included. Being a burgeoning cinephile, this show speaks to me in a way that not a single MTV or reality show even approaches. And, I suppose, for that reason I can understand why it would sail over most people’s heads, with it’s wry humor and parodies of Citizen Kane, Spartacus, Casablanca, The Seventh Seal, The Red Balloon (or Revenge of the Red Balloon as is the humorous case in one episode) and a casual mention of Eraserhead, just to name a few. It serves to reason, as the majority of people haven’t seen Citizen Kane, and a much greater majority have never even heard of The Seventh Seal, let alone pick out a small, yet iconic, scene from the Ingmar Bergman classic. The show has running gags spoofing all sorts, from Orson Welles, Marlon Brando, Jimmy Stewart, Ed Koch, Woody Allen, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Sylvester Stallone to Sherman’s rival critics, including Gene Shalit , Gene Siskel (RIP), Roger Ebert (Hang in there, Rog!!) and Rex Reed. The impersonations of such may go unnoticed to the common TV watcher, as some of these people are a little outdated by now, in terms of pop culture relevance. That’s not to say I’m an elitist with his nose in the air who only watches high-brow shows because the unwashed masses don’t understand them. I like my fair share of crap movies that won’t wind up on an AFI list any time soon, or ever, unless I become president of the AFI, which I don’t see happening in the near future. I’ll also be the first to admit there are several things that go over my head (Mulholland Drive anyone??). With an updated lineup of gags and spoofs the current crop of TV watchers and film-goers can relate to, while still dropping in the occasional bit for the movie fanatics, this show could return without missing a beat.
Just so you know, I actually agree with FOX canceling the show, but not for lack of creativity or humor, but rather because it was not in the place where it will be appreciated. It debuted on ABC in 1994, where it was perceived to be too dirty for the notoriously schlocky network. Disney being the parent company of ABC, it was handed over to the FOX network for the second season after receiving a barrel of hate mail from prudish viewers. Honestly people, watch a few episodes of this show and try to find enough questionable material that would mandate physically writing a letter, paying for a stamp, and mailing it to the people at ABC asking for the demise of the show. I dare you. However, The FOX network, as it was in the mid-1990’s when this show debuted, was trying to capitalize on the booming popularity of another little animated show called The Simpson’s. Rumor has it The Critic was first conceived as a “Krusty the Clown” vehicle (yup…don’t read that again, it makes my frontal lobe swell), but Matt Groening turned it down, thankfully. And, indeed, the caption on the cover of the DVD reads “From the producers of The Simpson’s!” Comparisons like this are clearly unfair, as The Critic is a different animal altogether compared to The Simpson’s. Now, this is the part where most people say, “Hey! What’s your friggin’ problem?? You don’t like The Simpson’s?? You suck!!” On the contrary, my obtuse little mole of a friend. I may suck, but I do enjoy The Simpson’s. But, for anyone who has seen enough of both series it’s easy to tell that producer credits are about all these two shows have in common, save for a couple of cross-over bits. It turns out, the show wasn’t raunchy enough with its social commentary for the FOX people, leaving it stranded in some gray area where it never really fit in on network television. The solution to this problem is simple: relocate the show to a more suitable channel and resume production. Now, most people would think Comedy Central, as the show found a little life in syndication on the channel late at night for a period. But, I have an even better option: BRAVO. Don’t tell me the BRAVO channel couldn’t use a little dose of humor in its line-up. They tapped into a small cinematic niche with their Inside the Actor’s Studio series, so the audience is there. Other than that they have reality show after reality show in the lineup. This show belongs on cable.
The only other resting place that makes sense to me is the REELZ Channel. The show airs in reruns on Monday nights, so they already have licensing rights to the property. What’s the hold up?? Despite the channel not featuring any original programming, mostly movie trailers and reviews, and actor and director profiles, the cinematically themed network would fit perfectly with the show. They could skewer a newer generation of films and TV shows and still tell the story of the lonely New York critic who seems to fail at everything. There’s an abundance of material out there for a resuscitated version of the show. Just to point out, Brett Ratner was recently featured on one of their running series, Hollywood’s Best Directors. That’s right, folks, they have the audacity to throw Brett Ratner on a pedestal next to the likes of William Friedkin and Francis Ford Coppola. Do me a favor, write those three names down on a piece of paper. Ok? Did you do it? Just wait…..The paper should spontaneously combust. It’s like a standardized test: “Which of these three does not belong?” DING, DING! Brett Fucking Ratner! But, I digress. This channel is in serious need of creative, original television, and this series doesn’t stray outside the boundaries of their film-centered lineup. The Critic embodies all the main principles of a channel called REELZ, and, as such, should be a staple of their programming. "Jay Sherman" needs a home.
So, there you have it. I know damn well this isn’t going to change anything, but a fan can dream, can’t he?