Sunday, September 13, 2009

"Ichi the Killer": In Adoration of Violence

Very few people who live above ground have heard of a sadistic, wretchedly depraved film called Ichi the Killer. It’s been relegated to a small sect of us subterranean worm people who seek out these bizarre films; hence they go unnoticed by most of the population. And here’s the dirty little secret: we like it. Listen, it’s not like we’re trying to be cooler than cool, but everybody wants something that’s their own that no one else can claim. This is the theory behind the backlash against popularity, especially in pop-culture: when something gets too well-known some people let go of it, or bash it, as has been the case on internet talk-backs for years now. The movie doesn’t even have to be good, necessarily, for people to latch onto it, it just has to feel like they’re part of a select group who have seen it and/or enjoyed it. If the Transformers movie was an underground, a little-known film minus some of the special effects due to budgetary concerns, it would be a cult film. But, because it was a big budget, special effects extravaganza that made an ocean of money, people turn on it. All for the simple reason that it doesn’t feel like their own movie, it’s everyone’s. As for myself, I relish the idea of spreading the word on films to my friends, or discovering something they gave me to watch, so we all have something to share that’s ours. Nothing makes me happier than recommending a movie to my friends and having them enjoy it as much as I do, that’s what makes us friends. We can throw movie quotes around from films that most other people wouldn’t even see, let alone know every line of dialogue. National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1 for us is an absolute treasure trove of unending hilarious quotes that we’ll never stop using in everyday conversation. I assure you there’s a very small group of people who are quoting that movie every day.
However, that’s where the enigma of Ichi the Killer begins. I would never recommend this film to anyone, unless I knew they had the same morally flexible sensibilities that I do. If you know some of the other films in director Takashi Miike’s body of work, then you might have a vague idea what to expect. This movie is sick, twisted, uber-violent, and bordering on horrifying. It has everything nobody wants to see, from rape, dismemberment, suicide, torture, right up to the title of the film rising out of a puddle of semen, which apparently is real semen. Now, I’m not saying I heard all these horrifying things that happen in this movie and immediately said “I want that!!” On the contrary, I’d read about the film for years on different websites in researching other dissolute films such as Salo and Cannibal Holocaust. There was commonly a casual mention of Ichi the Killer somewhere in there, but most reviews for the film were positive. And that’s where there’s a difference. Films such as Salo, Cannibal Holocaust, and the Guinea Pig series (none of which I’ve ever seen, or probably ever will see) represent a lack of story structure, making their sole purpose to disgust people. It’s fascinating to read about these films online, as these are the ones that people say “Man, if you thought _______ was disgusting, you haven’t seen anything. Check out _______!!” These people aren’t necessarily fans of the films, most just like to say they’ve seen them and lived to tell the story or to gloat over others and say, “man, you’re not ready for that movie”. Which makes these films simply a badge of honor for those who are trying to push the limits of what they can watch and not be disgusted by. It’s almost a contest to see who’s more desensitized. Films are about story and plot and character, and mixed in with the over-the-top violence and blood squirting, Ichi the Killer has all that.
The plot centers on Japanese yakuza searching for their missing “Boss”. The de facto leader of the gang, Kakihara (Tadanobu Asano), a cruel masochist with rings in his cheeks to hold his face together, turns to the leader of a rival gang after receiving, what turns out to be, a false tip-off from an unassuming old man. The interrogation scene that follows is about as harsh and stomach-churning as it gets, at least as far as I’ve seen. Now, I want to stop here to focus on this moment in the film. The Saw franchise straddles the line of this new “torture porn” craze that apparently passes for horror in current American cinema. The new point of horror movies is to disgust without any relevance to the story; it all comes down to the kill. Characters we don’t care about get killed off for no reason except to demonstrate the creativity of the kill, paying no attention to set-up or character arc. It’s baffling. The first Saw used the torture fairly effectively, serving as a means to discover the characters through their actions. Sadly, the rest of the series focused mainly on the gore and inventive torture gadgets, and overuse of the twist ending. The interrogation scene in Ichi is a set-up for not one or two, but a minimum of three things to come later on in the film. And for this reason, upon second viewing, you get to have an “ahhhh….I see what’s going on here” moment that’s absent when the brutality serves no purpose. Needless to say, there is a level of gratuitous violence in the film, as just about every woman in the film is abused in some way. And even some of the over-the-top moments involving the women are there to serve as a character reveal, unfortunately, at the expense of mostly innocent women caught up in a very vicious world.
Another tip-off refers the gang to a psychopath named Ichi (Nao Omori), who has savagely murdered the “Boss” in a glorious, blood-spurting manner. What follows this set-up is a bit of a cat-and-mouse game where the now exiled Kakihara and his band of yakuza cast-offs search for Ichi, some to seek revenge for the “Boss”, and Kakihara to find Ichi and satisfy his craving to have pain inflicted upon him. The strange thing about the story is there doesn’t appear to really be a protagonist to empathize with. Kakihara inflicts so much carnage in his search for his beloved “Boss” and, ultimately, Ichi, without any regard for human life that it’s impossible to root for him. He seeks pain, and that’s something I simply can’t identify with. Ichi, himself, is an enigmatic character you find yourself strangely sympathizing with. He’s a killing machine, plain and simple, but only if provoked. You see, Ichi is more of a small child who has almost no control over himself or his actions if the mood strikes him. He dresses like a superhero, albeit with knife blades sticking out of his shoes, and kills only those he is told to kill, as he is made to believe these people are the bullies who pushed him around when he was a child. And that’s where it gets interesting. He is almost portrayed as an innocent; his actions dictated by someone who has been controlling him and telling him who to kill. This person (who shall no be named as that would ruin the fun) has brainwashed Ichi into thinking he’s ridding the world of all the bad people. He weeps when he kills and confuses violent anger with sexual arousal, stemming from an “incident” from his childhood that proves to be the seed of his rage.
OK, I’m going to out on a limb here, folks. I’m going to recommend this film, but with an asterisk. Not everyone can handle violence on screen, and for anyone who doesn’t like the comparatively tame violence in an action movie or who has to cover their eyes during the “gross” scenes in a horror movie, don’t heed my recommendation. Mind you, Ichi the Killer is not a horror movie, as there isn’t really anything scary about the film at all. There is even a bit of humor, whether intentional or unintentional, as is the case in some of the more laughable effects shots. The scariest thing is it's lack of moral center, and it’s ambiguity towards violence. Horrible acts are thrown up on screen and never is there a moment where a character reflects upon what happened, but rather steam-rolls into the next scene, leaving you to just accept what happened and move along. By the end of the film you may feel a bit darker than you did before you started. I assure you, it wears off. But, here’s the kicker: what you’ll remember first and tell everyone about is the violence and the bloodshed, as this film will always be defined by these elements, but it’s the story that will stick with you for days. That’s what makes this film worthy of not one, but at least two viewings. Because once the shock of the visuals wears off, you’ll find yourself engrossed in the very strange narrative being told.
Now, listen, you’re being forewarned. First off, if your friends turn on you for enjoying this movie don’t blame me. I’ve succinctly laid out the gruesome details, leaving only your own curiosity to blame should you decide to watch it. As I’ve discovered, there’s a good chance you may find yourself wanting to watch Ichi the Killer more than once. I assure you, there’s nothing wrong with you; it’s a good thing…..just don’t tell anyone.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Weekend pREEDictions

College football hits its stride in week 2 as the rest of the NFL kicks off in opening weekend. Here's away we can cash in as we enjoy the weekends great match-ups.

Michigan +3 vs. Notre Dame

I know everybody gets excited when Notre Dame looks promissing. Every network that covers sports benefits from having a successful Notre Dame program, so anytime they do something well it gets magnified. They all tell about how Jimmy Clausen is finally excelling in Charlie Weis' offense with 716 yards combined in his last 2 games. But those games were against Hawaii and Neveda. But in his 2 games against Michigan, Clausen has averaged only 110 yards passing. They also have failed to mention Clausen's 4-7 record away from South Bend, including a 38-0 loss at The Big House in 2007.

USC @ Ohio State OVER 45 1/2

In last seasons meeting between the power house programs, it took coach Jim Tressel two quarters before realizing he was going to need Terrel Pryor in order to stand a chance against the men of Troy. By then it was too late as the Buckeyes fell 35-3. This year there is no doubt that Pryor is the man in Columbus and he is an element Big 10 football is in great need of. The Buckeyes defense struggled against Navy's spread option attack last weekend, this will allow Pete Carroll to put the game in the hands of his tailback Joe McKnight and not rely heavily on freshman QB Matt Barkley. I could see Pryor putting up points against this USC team, look for a 31-24 outcome, you pick the winner.

Tampa Bay +5 1/2 vs Dallas

If this game was being played in week 10, the Cowboys would be 8 to 10 point favorites. However opening on the road in a hot and humid Tampa Bay against a Bucs team that is trying to prove every analyst in the country wrong will make this a close game. It isn't going to take Tony Romo long to realize how important T.O. was to this offense.

Cleveland +3 1/2 vs Minnesota

Brett Favre makes his Vikings debut on the shores of Lake Erie and you can bet the creatures in the Dawg Pound will let him know how they feel about him. The Browns are going to need a big season out of linebackers D'Qwell Jackson, who had a team leading 154 tackles last season, and 2006 1st round pick Kamerion Wimbley. What better test than the games best running Adrian Peterson. I expect a couple key Favre-induced turnovers and a big debut out of Brady Quinn as the Browns pull the upset at home.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

A Good Year for the Quaker State, Aaron Rogers



For the last decade, the NFL has taught us that nothing is guaranteed heading into a season. Only in the National Football League can the Miami Dolphins bounce back from a community embarrassing 1-15 season in 2007 to knocking off the Patriots for the AFC East crown in 2008. Of course, the parody goes both ways as the Jacksonville Jaguars displayed last season; posting a 5-11 record just one year removed from falling a game short of the Super Bowl the year before. The thing about the NFL is that teams are constantly adjusting from year to year.
Unlike the other major sports where teams are in rebuild mode or have a three to five year window for contention, every team has a chance to win from week to week providing an opportunity for a playoff run. While a team can lack experience, the phrase "too young" should never be used to describe an NFL team. The requirement for players to spend at least three seasons at the college level leads to men entering the league just before their athletic prime. This provides teams who had an off year with the best athletes available in the draft to revamp for the next season (2008 Jaguars). So with all that being said... I don't see too much change from last season to this one.
So which fan-base gets to say there team is this year’s Dolphins? Who is going to suffer and put up with last year’s Jaguars? (Hey the Lions don’t have a chance to be either) With that, I present the first ever Mike’s pREEDictions
AFC East
New England Patriots 12-4
I’m pretty certain this is how Bill Parcell’s preseason speech to this years Dolphins went: "Number 12 in New England is back. Last year means absolutely nothing. I’ll be on the treadmill. Pennington, get me a Dove bar." I cannot confirm the first part but what is true is this team won 11 games last season WITHOUT the leagues best player. A trip to Indianapolis aside, New England has a weak road schedule including December games in the cool climates of Miami and Houston.
Miami Dolphins 7-9
Look for the Dolphins to stay in many games throughout the season, but end up on the wrong end more often than not. Whereas last season’s schedule provided late season match-ups with Oakland, St. Louis, San Francisco, and Kansas City, this season provides Indianapolis, Pittsburgh, Tennessee, and Carolina. While last season was not a mirage, the Dolphins will come back down to earth this season but continue heading in the right direction.
Buffalo Bills 4-12
Just 10 days before the season is set to begin they fire there offensive coordinator. 4 days after came the release of starting left tackle Langston Walker. Oh yeah and that Terrell Owens guy now collects his paychecks in upstate New York. So things aren’t going smooth in the Bills locker room, unfortunately a weak offensive line and Trent Edwards under center won’t turn the mood around any time soon.
New York Jets 4-12
A first year head coach and a rookie quarterback who failed to win the big games while surrounded by the best talent in the country in college should lead to a transition year in the meadowlands. Bart Scott brings veteran leadership to an already above average defense. But the NFL is a quarterback driven league, and should Mark Sanchez stumble at any point this season the offense would then be in the hands of Kellen Clemens. J-E-T-S 2010-10-10!!!
AFC North
Pittsburgh Steelers 11-5
Pittsburgh heads into a title defending season with a roster that was virtually untouched in the off season. Add the fact that the Steelers ended up with the 4th easiest strength of schedule and a repeat in the steel city could be very likely. The Steelers only have 2 road games after Thanksgiving. Look for a strong push to close the season
Baltimore Ravens 9-7
Rex Ryan departs as coordinator of a quickly aging defense (Ray Lewis, Samari Rolle, and Ed Reed all over 30). 2nd year quarterback Joe Flacco is going to need Todd Heap to get back to his form of a couple years ago to provide a weapon over the middle. How much can be expected of Derrick Mason at this point? Age aside, there is enough talent on this team to win more games than they’ll lose, especially with a home schedule that provides Detroit, Kansas City, and Denver.
Cleveland Browns 8-8
Brady Quinn is finally given control of the Cleveland offense in Eric Mangini’s first season in the championship starved city. The offensive line is finally coming together entering the Brown’s 10th season since returning. Look for rookie James Davis out of Clemson to turn a lot of heads and take over the starting job from Jamal Lewis by the end of the season. A mediocre defense will keep the Brownies just short of a playoff trip but they will make many improvements in 2009.
Cincinnati 5-11
As a Steelers fan, I can’t help but feel guilty by pointing out that Carson Palmer has not been the same person since having his knee mangled by Kimo von Oelhoffen in 2006 (only 7 games with over 300 yards passing since). Leveranues Coles and Chris Henry do not replace T.J. Houshmandzadeh.
AFC South
Indianapolis Colts 10-6
Peyton Manning is running out of time to become a multiple Super Bowl champion. With that being said, this years schedule provides as good a chance as the Colts have had since the championship season of 2006. Anthony Gonzalez needs to step up and become a solid #2 target for Manning after the departure of Marvin Harrison. The real question regarding this team’s success is the defense, specifically stopping the run. Should they fail, the 33 year old Manning will need his most productive season yet in a Hall of Fame career.
Houston Texans 9-7
This team will have the most explosive offense in the NFL in 2009. Look for a breakout season from Steve Slaton which will provide protection for QB Matt Schaub. The Texans are bringing back a starting offensive line that has been together for two full seasons. How many today are questioning the Houston front office for selecting Mario Williams over Vince Young and Reggie Bush?
Tennessee Titans 7-9
Kerry Collins should only serve as a band-aid for a temporary QB issue. At 36 years old how much can be expected of Collins? It certainly shouldn’t be to lead this team back to the playoffs. Chris Johnson and LenDale White should take some pressure off the veteran QB, but is there enough receiving threats for opposing defenses to not force Collins to win the game?
Jacksonville Jaguars 4-12
After this season, every fan in Jacksonville will be calling for Sam Bradford to be their next QB. David Garrard will prove this season that he cannot carry an NFL team through an entire season. This team will go as far as Maurice Jones-Drew takes them, but like Tennessee there are not enough deep play weapons to force opponents to not play to stop the run.
AFC West
San Diego Chargers 9-7
For the second season in a row, the Chargers will make the playoffs because they are the coolest guy at Shenanigans. Phillip Rivers is what Brett Favre was a decade ago, but he has the play makers around him to make this style work. The road schedule is brutal with games at the Steelers, Giants, and Cowboys but, again, they play the Raiders and Chiefs four times.
Denver Broncos 5-11
Kyle Orton takes over an offense whose best receiver is holding out, demanding a trade. The success of the offense could be hinged on undersized rookie running back Knowshon Moreno. 1st year coach Josh McDaniels clearly isn’t worried about making any friends at Mile High Stadium, in what could be a one year coaching experiment.
Oakland Raiders 4-12
They got Richard Seymour! Darren McFadden might be good! As long as JaMarcus Russell and Al Davis are associated with the Black Hole this team is not winning more than 6 games a year.
Kansas City 3-13
Does Larry Johnson care about professional football anymore? Matt Cassel will never repeat last season’s performance, ever. With this supporting cast, I can guarantee it won’t be happening soon. The AFC West will be football’s equivalent of the AL league Central in 2009.
NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles 13-3
Donovan McNabb will finally silence the majority of his hometown critics in 2009. The offense is loaded with ways to move the ball down the field. The loss of Brian Dawkins should only hurt in the locker room as Asante Samuel becomes the leader of the Philly secondary. LeSean McCoy is my pick for offensive rookie of the year (and its pretty cool that he’s got 4 capital letters in his name).
New York Giants 11-5
Osi Umenyiora returns to an already solid defense. Eli Manning will feel the loss of Plaxico Burress but the diverse rushing attack provides enough protection for Peyton’s little brother. Any chance the NFC east isn’t the best division in football this year?
Washinton Redskins 10-6
The Redskins have been one the games best defenses for the last five seasons and have nothing to show for it. Albert Haynesworth will be the player that gets the ‘skins over the hump and back to the post season. Jason Campbell has a lot of doubters to prove wrong this season and with Chris Cooley, Santana Moss, and Clinton Portis all in the prime of their careers he has the talent around him to do it.
Dallas Cowboys 7-9
Say what you will about how T.O. is a distraction with every team he plays for, but those teams always get worse after he departs. I love Felix Jones and Marion Barber sharing carries for the 2nd season but I don’t see them and Jason Witten being enough to lead this team in the rugged NFC East.
NFC North
Green Bay Packers 12-4
Except for a trip to Pittsburgh in December, the NFL gave the Pack a very generous road schedule. You thought Aaron Rodgers had a lot to prove last season? Now he gets to go head-to-head with his predecessor, TWICE! Rookie B.J. Raji joins what could be the best young defense in the NFC, look at that linebacker corps and all their potential.
Minnesota Vikings 9-7
Well Mr. Favre, you got your wish. Unfortunately for you, the opponents on your schedule are too physical for you to continue the consecutive games streak and remain productive. The Vikings were an average to an above average team who had the best running back in the game last year. At this point in your career, you do not have what it takes to bring any team to that next level. Let me know what it’s like to get booed by the people who loved everything you did for 16 years.
Chicago Bears 6-10
The Bears open up at Green Bay, home versus Pittsburgh, and at Seattle. By then they could very well be 0-3 and lose faith in Jay Cutler. Has there ever been more made over a QB who has done nothing in his career? Does Brian Urlacher have enough left in him to lead a defense that needs to hold its opponents to under 20 points a game to make up for a mediocre offense?
Detroit Lions 3-13
I’m usually against teams starting rookie quarterbacks, but what other reasons do Detroit fans have to get to Ford Field? The biggest transaction made by the Lions was the firing of Matt Millen. They still have a way to go, but there is no way they could play as bad as last season.
NFC South
New Orleans 10-6
The argument could be made that Drew Brees this generation’s less glamorous Dan Marino. He puts up stats that match up with the best in the league, but has never had the defense to put his team over the top and win a championship. That being said, this could be the year Brees gets back to competing for the NFC championship.
Carolina Panthers 8-8
Julius Peppers returns to a dominant defense, albeit reluctantly. The two-headed rushing attack of Jonathan Stewart and DeAngelo Williams enters it’s second season and the more you can keep the ball out of Jake Delhomme’s hands the better. Only the Dolphins have a harder strength of schedule than the Panthers which should keep them out of the playoffs, and could end the John Fox/Jake Delhomme era in Charlotte.
Atlanta Falcons 6-10
Congratulations on the Rookie of the Year Matt Ryan. Because of your great performance in year #1, the boys in the schedule making department provided you with road trips to New England, Dallas, and New York twice. Sophomore slumps happen to the best, not the elite, but the best. Nobody would be shocked in Michael Turner and yourself come back down to earth this year. Michael Vick comes to his old town December 6th, have him show you some of his old stomping grounds.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 3-13
Why was John Grueden fired again? Either way, Byron Leftwich gets a 2nd chance to start for an NFL team. Rookie Josh Freeman can expect to take over by December when Tampa is long out of contention. Sabby Piscatelli and Aqib Talib headline a young defense that will see plenty of action this year.
NFC West
Seattle Seahawks 9-7
T.J. Houshmandzadeh joins Deon Branch and Nate Burleson as receivers brought in to provide a deep play threat for Matt Hasselbeck. Aaron Curry (rookie, Wake Forest) joins Lofa Tatupu on a defense that will bring Seattle back to the top of the NFC West. Seattle plays in one of the few stadiums that still provides a home field advantage. With foes such as Tampa, Detroit, and Jacksonville coming to the Pacific northwest, Seattle should use this advantage to have them playing in January.
Arizona 7-9
Since 2002, only two teams who lost the Super Bowl won a playoff game the next season. A young team like Arizona could take a step backwards this year before they get back to the pinnacle of the sport. It should be interesting to see if Matt Leinart is given a chance to start at some point in this season, because Kurt Warner can’t be expected to lead this team too far into the future.
St. Louis Rams 5-11
Marc Bulger and Steven Jackson could provide enough offense to pull a couple upsets and stay competitive. However this defense lacks the skill and experience needed to win enough games, even in a winnable division.
San Francisco 49ers 2-14
The NFL is in fact a quarterback driven league. Some how Shaun Hill ended up in the driver’s seat in San Francisco. Rookie Michael Crabtree is the only first round draft pick yet to sign a contract, leaving the 49ers with Arnaz Battle as their big play receiver. Frank Gore could run for over 1200 yards on the worst team in the league.
Super Bowl Picks
Pittsburgh has the only defense that can slow Tom Brady and the Patriots in the AFC. If the Eagles secure home field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs I love their chances of making it to Miami in February.
This is Donovan McNabb’s year. Not only will he win the league’s MVP award but he will bring Philadelphia their first Super Bowl title.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The Critic

Feel free to call me nostalgic, but I recently dove back into a little known animated oddity called The Critic. For anyone who doesn’t remember, The Critic was an ABC and FOX animated show about a sardonic movie critic, “Jay Sherman”, voiced by Jon Lovitz, which lasted a mere twenty-three episodes before being cancelled. The purpose of this rant is to draw attention to this little gem of a show and bring it back on the air, albeit, in a different manner. Now, I’ll be the first to tell you I’m not much of a TV watcher. I can literally count the number of TV shows I watch on one hand without the thumb even thinking about being included. Being a burgeoning cinephile, this show speaks to me in a way that not a single MTV or reality show even approaches. And, I suppose, for that reason I can understand why it would sail over most people’s heads, with it’s wry humor and parodies of Citizen Kane, Spartacus, Casablanca, The Seventh Seal, The Red Balloon (or Revenge of the Red Balloon as is the humorous case in one episode) and a casual mention of Eraserhead, just to name a few. It serves to reason, as the majority of people haven’t seen Citizen Kane, and a much greater majority have never even heard of The Seventh Seal, let alone pick out a small, yet iconic, scene from the Ingmar Bergman classic. The show has running gags spoofing all sorts, from Orson Welles, Marlon Brando, Jimmy Stewart, Ed Koch, Woody Allen, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Sylvester Stallone to Sherman’s rival critics, including Gene Shalit , Gene Siskel (RIP), Roger Ebert (Hang in there, Rog!!) and Rex Reed. The impersonations of such may go unnoticed to the common TV watcher, as some of these people are a little outdated by now, in terms of pop culture relevance. That’s not to say I’m an elitist with his nose in the air who only watches high-brow shows because the unwashed masses don’t understand them. I like my fair share of crap movies that won’t wind up on an AFI list any time soon, or ever, unless I become president of the AFI, which I don’t see happening in the near future. I’ll also be the first to admit there are several things that go over my head (Mulholland Drive anyone??). With an updated lineup of gags and spoofs the current crop of TV watchers and film-goers can relate to, while still dropping in the occasional bit for the movie fanatics, this show could return without missing a beat.
Just so you know, I actually agree with FOX canceling the show, but not for lack of creativity or humor, but rather because it was not in the place where it will be appreciated. It debuted on ABC in 1994, where it was perceived to be too dirty for the notoriously schlocky network. Disney being the parent company of ABC, it was handed over to the FOX network for the second season after receiving a barrel of hate mail from prudish viewers. Honestly people, watch a few episodes of this show and try to find enough questionable material that would mandate physically writing a letter, paying for a stamp, and mailing it to the people at ABC asking for the demise of the show. I dare you. However, The FOX network, as it was in the mid-1990’s when this show debuted, was trying to capitalize on the booming popularity of another little animated show called The Simpson’s. Rumor has it The Critic was first conceived as a “Krusty the Clown” vehicle (yup…don’t read that again, it makes my frontal lobe swell), but Matt Groening turned it down, thankfully. And, indeed, the caption on the cover of the DVD reads “From the producers of The Simpson’s!” Comparisons like this are clearly unfair, as The Critic is a different animal altogether compared to The Simpson’s. Now, this is the part where most people say, “Hey! What’s your friggin’ problem?? You don’t like The Simpson’s?? You suck!!” On the contrary, my obtuse little mole of a friend. I may suck, but I do enjoy The Simpson’s. But, for anyone who has seen enough of both series it’s easy to tell that producer credits are about all these two shows have in common, save for a couple of cross-over bits. It turns out, the show wasn’t raunchy enough with its social commentary for the FOX people, leaving it stranded in some gray area where it never really fit in on network television. The solution to this problem is simple: relocate the show to a more suitable channel and resume production. Now, most people would think Comedy Central, as the show found a little life in syndication on the channel late at night for a period. But, I have an even better option: BRAVO. Don’t tell me the BRAVO channel couldn’t use a little dose of humor in its line-up. They tapped into a small cinematic niche with their Inside the Actor’s Studio series, so the audience is there. Other than that they have reality show after reality show in the lineup. This show belongs on cable.
The only other resting place that makes sense to me is the REELZ Channel. The show airs in reruns on Monday nights, so they already have licensing rights to the property. What’s the hold up?? Despite the channel not featuring any original programming, mostly movie trailers and reviews, and actor and director profiles, the cinematically themed network would fit perfectly with the show. They could skewer a newer generation of films and TV shows and still tell the story of the lonely New York critic who seems to fail at everything. There’s an abundance of material out there for a resuscitated version of the show. Just to point out, Brett Ratner was recently featured on one of their running series, Hollywood’s Best Directors. That’s right, folks, they have the audacity to throw Brett Ratner on a pedestal next to the likes of William Friedkin and Francis Ford Coppola. Do me a favor, write those three names down on a piece of paper. Ok? Did you do it? Just wait…..The paper should spontaneously combust. It’s like a standardized test: “Which of these three does not belong?” DING, DING! Brett Fucking Ratner! But, I digress. This channel is in serious need of creative, original television, and this series doesn’t stray outside the boundaries of their film-centered lineup. The Critic embodies all the main principles of a channel called REELZ, and, as such, should be a staple of their programming. "Jay Sherman" needs a home.
So, there you have it. I know damn well this isn’t going to change anything, but a fan can dream, can’t he?